Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
