Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
