We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Four minutes until I can fart!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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