i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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