Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
