you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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