If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
