If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
