Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
