It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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