Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
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His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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