I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
