Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
