The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
