I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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