Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The maid of honor just puked.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
