My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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