At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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