Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
