I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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