it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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