you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
