sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
