i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
