Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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