I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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