did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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