I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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