She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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