All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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