If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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