shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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