I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
