can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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