I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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