If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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