I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
