You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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