Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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