I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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