You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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