I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
