We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
