in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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