toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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