I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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