I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
