guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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