My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
