Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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