FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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