um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
