I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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