I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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