I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
