I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
