I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
