Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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