yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
